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arrogantdad:

my mom told me that in high school she use to get boyfriends at the beginning of February so they had enough time to get her a valentines day gift and then break up with them the day after and just keep the gift and one day she told her parents about it and they made her keep her boyfriend at least until the end of February and so she did and that boy is now my dad

354,837 notes

tatbrochu:

tessa-ferrer:

How to come out to your parents:
Say: “I’m pregnant.”
When they gasp and look shocked, say: “April Fools, I’m gay.” Throw some glitter on them and walk away. Done.

when i told my dad ‘dad i have something to tell you’ he screamed ‘ARE YOU PREGNANT’ and i said ‘HA nope, i like girls’ and he was like ‘oh thank god’ so yeah it works and he did it all by himself

28,156 notes
I found my roommate’s twitter…

egobus:

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wow i really got around on the second day of school

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i met her once and I’ve never smoked anything

…I don’t even drink alcohol 

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i’m a socially awkward virgin and i’m 99% sure that wasn’t gospel music 

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i don’t even have her number????????????

347,740 notes